An Ode to Angry Orchard

Even though I've been 21 for a wee bit now, I'm still figuring out the ins and outs of "alcohol." For example, PBR isn't as good as Lana Del Rey makes it seem. Grey Goose is expensive and scary. Moonshine is illegal for a reason. Kahula is awesome. Mixed drinks are fun. Mixing beer and liquor is bad. Jager and Redbull is not advised. And lastly, just because you can order drinks at dinner with your family now does not mean you should. But choosing "your drink" is a lot like choosing your "mate." You have to be able to drink it every day, even if it makes you absolutely sick and you want to lock it in a room and never see it again the night before. You have to be able to have a casual night with it, as well as a wild night out. It needs to make you look good in your leather leggings, but still get down with you in your sweatpants and old tee shirt. 

Sure, Kahlua was fun until you ended up over-caffeinated and sleep deprived because it can only be mixed with coffee, right? You two had some good times, but it was a little too "mature" for you.

You and vodka were cool until that one night you woke up with a 30 dollar McDonalds receipt on your chest and glitter in your hair the next morning. Maybe you two should be "just friends." 

Tequila was a sassy adventure on the wild side until the limes and salt ran out and you requested R. Kelly songs all night. You should definitely delete it's number and never call back. 

Beer is alright til it gets old and you get full, but it doesn't care because it "wasn't looking for anything serious anyway." 

But Angry Orchard isn't like any of those scrubs. It calls you back the next morning and is like, "hey girl, wanna get some pancakes?" Besides being delicious, it let you have fun without requesting that T.Pain song you just "haaaaad to heeaaaar," spending 50 dollars on pizzas and let you keep your dignity all in one night. It accompanied your chips-and-salsa-and-Grey's Anatomy marathon the next day and even gave you a high five at the end. 

So here's to you, Angry Orchard. Thanks for everything and thanks for having my back while still making me look hot in leggings at the bar. 

Cheers.